Four Turks in a Sauna
by ariaswan
Summary: Trapped in a sauna, slowly overheating- is this it for the Turks? If it is, then Reno has a few ideas how they can go out with a bang. Oh dear... Rated M for... Elena? !... wtf? !
1. Chapter 1

1.

Tseng sighed happily as the masseuse worked the kinks out of him, her skilful hands rubbing his back.

'You're very tense,' she remarked, pressing at a knot in his neck.

'Huh,' he grunted. 'So would you be if you were trying to keep Reno in line every day.'

The young woman laughed. 'Your son?' she asked.

'Mmm,' Tseng squirmed in pleasure as her soft fingers moved down a bit. 'It seems like that sometimes.'

She patted his back. 'Well, I think you're pretty relaxed now, mm? Why don't you pop to the sauna for a bit?'

He sat up, relishing the lightness he felt. 'I may just do that,' he said. He smiled at her. 'Thank you. I haven't felt this good for quite a while.'

She smiled. 'You'll feel even better after thirty minutes in the heat.'

Tseng padded down the corridor towards the sauna. That woman was a goddess, he decided. Anyone who could get the leader of the Turks to relax so completely must have some sort of holy powers. He opened the oak-panelled door, and was hit by a blast of soothing, hot air.

'Ahhh,' he took a seat, a smile spreading over his face. This day was the best idea Elena had ever had. Rude and Reno had instantly starting screeching when she'd bough tit up, complaining that a spa day was a total chick thing to do, only agreeing to come when they found out there was free booze, but Tseng had thought that a day of total relaxation was just the thing. He leaned his head against the wall, groaning happily.

His blissful reverie was shattered when the door banged open, and a voice cheerfully called out 'Yo, boss man, hows it hanging?'

Tseng felt all the muscles in his back re-knotting. 'Reno,' he hissed, 'What the hell are you doing in here?'

The redhead ignored him, leaning into the corridor and calling out 'Hey Lena, Rude, get your asses in here.'

The other two trooped in, and sat themselves down. Tseng glared at them. _Why me?_ he thought, not for the first time.

'Isn't this place great?' enthused Elena.

Reno eyed up the blonde, who was obviously nude under her robe.

'It's the bomb,' he said, moving a little closer to her.

Even Rude grunted his assent. Tseng slammed his head against the wall, then began to stand.

'Going already?' asked Elena. She giggled as Reno danced his fingers over her collarbone, playfully batting his hands away. Tseng rolled his eyes.

_Were they not annoying enough before? _he thought, staring heavenwards. _Did they have to start dating? _He must, he decided, have done something really, truly awful in a past life to deserve this. As Reno pulled Elena into his lap and the pair began to kiss somewhat, ahem, enthusiastically, Tseng reached for the door handle.

He turned it a couple of times. It didn't open. He swallowed hard, then turned it again. Nada. The door was stuck fast.

Rude looked quizzically at him, and even the two youngest Turks detached themselves from one another's faces long enough to look up.

'What's the matter?' asked Reno, trying subtly to pull Elena's robe down.

She smacked his hand, a concerned look on her face. 'Tseng?'

'The door won't open,' he said, faintly. 'We're stuck.'

A/N- Dun, dun _dun... _Lol, this is a three chapter thingy (the rest of the chapters are longer) and the rest of it is typed and ready, but if you want it, you gotta review... please???!!! XD


	2. Chapter 2

2.

Rude was watching him through steamed up shades. 'Are you sure?'

Tseng glowered at him. 'Of course I'm sure! If this door was working, do you really think I'd still be in here, watching _that?_' He indicated Reno, who was still trying valiantly to cop a feel of his girlfriend. Elena smacked him away, quite harshly this time. She looked concerned, but then she brightened.

'Just bang on the door a bit,' she suggested. 'It's only about three o'clock, there'll still be people around.'

Tseng nodded, eagerly. 'You're right! Of course!' He slammed his fist into the door. 'Hello? Is anyone out there? We're stuck in the sauna!'

All four waited for a moment. There was no response. Tseng tried again, sounding a little more desperate this time. 'Hello? Hello? _HELLO?!'_

Reno yawned. 'I don't think no-one's out there,' he remarked, getting more comfortable, his arm snaking round Elena's waist.

'But, but,' Elena looked worried. 'You're only supposed to stay in here a certain amount of time before it gets dangerous. What if no-one lets us out?'

'Meh,' Reno looked unconcerned. 'It'll be fine. Though,' a devilish grin spread across his face. 'If you need extra fluids, I have a few ideas...'

Elena punched him in the nose, knocking him out briefly. Tseng nodded at her. 'Thank you,' he said, tersely.

'You're welcome,' she smiled, glaring at Reno, who was moaning and swearing on the bench beside her. She bit her lip. 'What are we gonna do?'

Tseng took a deep breath, then wished he hadn't. The air was cloyingly thick. 'We musn't panic,' he said, though his twitching eye suggested he was doing just that.

Rude pressed his hands to the door. '... Stuck fast,' he announced after a moment.

Tseng sat down heavily. 'Ohmygodohmygod,' he muttered, putting his head in his hands.

Elena watched him, worriedly. 'Tseng?' she said, timidly.

He looked up, madness in his eyes. 'This can't be happening,' he said, shaking his head. 'I can't be stuck in here... with... with... argh!' He slumped against the wall, closing his eyes.

Elena stood up, coming to sit beside him. She put her hand on his arm. 'It's okay, Tseng. Someone'll be by soon,' she said, soothingly.

Tseng just shivered, even though the sauna was so disgustingly hot. 'We're all going to die,' he muttered.

Reno burst into laughter. 'Jeez, boss. Way to rally the troops!'

Unexpectedly, Tseng turned on Reno, slamming him to the wall by his neck. Elena shrieked, pulling him away.

'Tseng! Calm down! You're using up energy!'

Tseng glared at Reno, quite terrifiyingly. Reno yelped and sat down, rubbing his sore neck and mumbing under his breath.

Elena sat down between the two men, eyeing Tseng worriedly. He appeared to have gone into some kind of trance- he wasn't blinking, or moving, nor did he appear to be breathing. Of course, this changed quickly when Reno stood up, letting the towel he'd been wearing drop to the floor, revealing his total nakedness.

'What. The. Fuck?' stated Tseng, staring at the, clearly natural, redhead. Staring at his face, that is. He did _not _want to see anything else.

'I was too hot,' said Reno, unconcerned by the expression on Tseng's face, despite the fact the leader had been trying to kill him just moments earlier. 'The towel wasn't exactly helping, was it?'

Tseng rammed the heels of his fists into his eyes. He appeared to be chanting some kind of Wutain prayer, though with a liberal amount of rather harsh curse words added in. Elena, watching him intently, was surprised when Rude spoke up.

'Actually, he has a point.'

Tseng lifted his head. 'What?'

'The towels are probably making us hotter,' said Rude, neutral as ever. He then stood, and let his drop.

'Woah!'

'Jesus!'

'_Rude!! What _is _that??'_

The other three stared at him, or, to be more specific, at a certain part of his anatomy in shock. Reno, looking disgruntled, grabbed his towel and covered himself with it.

'Rude... it's... it's _huge_,' Elena managed to stutter out. She gave Reno a bit of a disappointed look, and he yelped again.

Rude just grunted. 'I'm from Mideel,' he said, as though that explained it.

The four Turks sat in silence, sweat dripping down their bodies. And then Elena jumped up, pulling off her own robe.

'I'm sorry!' she cried. 'I'm boiling here!'

Rude's sunglasses slid down his nose, though whether due to the sweat or the sight before him was questionable. Reno grinned smugly, and even Tseng gaped at her. Elena had quite a figure under that starchy uniform, he noted.

'Come on, boss,' said Reno, grinning. 'It's your turn now.'

Tseng growled slightly. Elena grabbed his arm. 'Tseng, calm down.'

The silence resumed. Every so often, Rude would try the door, then when it didn't open, Tseng would scream and bang on it, before sitting back down, steam literally coming out of his ears. Eventually, he flopped forward.

'It's too late,' he said, weakly. 'We're going to die.'

Reno's face was the same color as his hair, and his breathing was labored, but he still grinned. 'Ya know, if this _is _the end...'

Elena raised an eyebrow. 'Yeah? What?' Though they all knew what he was going to say.

'Well, there's stuff we can do... ya know what I mean.'

'No,' said Tseng, in a flat voice. 'We don't.'

'Well...' Reno began, but Elena cut him off.

'I know what you mean,' she said, clearly.

Reno grinned. 'Atta girl.' He reached his hand out, to pull her towards him, but Elena yanked her arm back.

'Tseng!' Everyone looked at Elena in surprise as she addressed their leader. 'I... I've been wanting to say this to you for a long time now.'

'Elena! What the fuck?' Reno looked baffled.

'Tseng... I...'

Everyone stared at her, waiting.

'I really want to screw you!' And with a hysterical look in her eyes, Elena ripped Tseng's towel from his body. There was a collective gasp at what was revealed.

A/N- but what _is _revealed?! Sorry for the wait, I totally forgot about this lol. The third part will be up tomorow. Please review!! XD


	3. Chapter 3

Reno, Elena and Rude stared at Tseng in astonishment.

'Tseng...' Reno raised his eyes to the Wutain's face.'Are you wearing a Speedo?'

'I didn't want to be naked in a room with two other guys!' yelled Tseng, a look of fury on his face.

Elena, who just moments before had expressed a desire to ravish her boss to within an inch of his life, sat down heavily on the wooden bench. 'I didn't even know they made those things anymore,' she said, mournfully.

The three men sat down, all the fight seemingly gone out of them. The Turks sat and waited to die. The fall of civilisation itself had not finished them, but it seemed that a Speedo might.

It had been a long week for Lucian. A long week, a long month, a long year... Hell, it had been a long _lifetime_, really. And now here he was, forty five years old, single, and running a frigging _beauty spa._ It was enough to make any man want to scream and cry and...

_Well. Hello there..._

One picture on the security screens caught his eye. In Sauna Three, a butt naked woman sat with three naked men... No, wait. One naked man, one guy in a Speedo, and one guy who appeared to have a snake in his lap.

_Holy Fuck! That ain't no snake!_

Lucian shivered, then quickly turned his attention back to the woman. Petite, blonde, _nice _rack...

He frowned suddenly. A small light was flashing on the switchboard. A light that should only flash at night. When the spa was closed. A light that indicated...

_Oh, fuck. Oh, no. _Lucian banged his head against the table. Hard. Sauna Three was locked from the outside. Meaning those three pervs and the hot chick were stuck inside.

_I am so going to jail for this..._

There was only one thing for it. Lucian quickly used the manual override system to lower the temperature inside the room. He then locked the door to the main office, just in case one of his members of staff chose this moment to come in. What he was about to do was _so _not legal. But if it kept him out of jail... Well. He wouldn't mind living in his Mom's basement _forever _if it kept him out of jail.

Lucian's spa was not just a spa. Sometimes... well. Sometimes it catered for other forms of relaxation. Other slightly more... controversial forms of relaxation. Which was why there was a mechanism in the system which would allow him to pump the rapidly cooling sauna full of laughing gas.

And by laughing gas, read _roofies_.

Tseng woke up feeling refreshed, revitalised... and really, really sticky.

He sat up, wondering briefly why he was lying on a deluxe, king size bed, totally naked, with Elena's head on his shins. And why was Reno on the floor, similarly naked, with a pillow not quite covering his modesty?

And why was Rude slumped on an overstuffed couch, holding a T.V remote at his...

Oh, man. That was no T.V remote...

Tseng winced. How the fuck had they gotten here? Last he remembered, they were...

Huh. Funny. He couldn't remember anything. Not from the last day or so, anyway. In fact, he didn't even know which day it _was._

A loud groan emanated from the end of the bed. There was a slurping noise, as Elena liftted her drool covered cheek from his (drool covered) leg. She looked up at him. Mascara covered her cheeks, and her hair looked to be a similar consistencey to hay. She shook her head then winced, as though the action has caused her brain to swish round in her skull.

'What. The. Fuck.'

Gradually, Reno and Rude came round. There was no clothing to be found, but there were four large, fluffy bathrobes, and so the four Turks dressed in those. Tseng called for a cab, as none of them felt able to drive. They headed to the lobby together in silence, not daring to make eye contact.

On the main desk, a small fat guy, with a goatee beard, gave them a large, nervous grin.

'Did you enjoy your stay?' he asked, smile still plastered on his face.

'Yeah.'

'Sure.'

'Mm hm.'

'It was great.'

The Turks choked out answers through gritted teeth.

'So, you paid when you arrived, remember?'

No, actually, they couldn't remember. But their clothes were AWOL, as were their credit cards, so all four nodded. A bell rang, and the manager seemed to jump five feet into the air.

'Cab's here!' he cried. 'Thank you for your hospitality!'

The Turks emerged onto a small, but still quite busy, street in Midgar. People stopped and stared, children pointed, birds flew away from them. Just before they got in the car, Tseng stopped them. Without making eye contact, he said 'This never happened, right?'

'Oh, god no,' said Reno, quickly.

'Hell no!' said Elena, fervently.

Rude grunted emphatically.

Tseng nodded. 'Good. When I get out of this cab, at my apartment, I am going to go upstairs and bleach myskin until it bleeds.. I suggest you all do the same. Also, let's give it a few weeks, okay?'

Still not looking at each other, they all nodded. Then they got in the cab, got dropped off at their homes, and did as Tseng had said. Rude even had a chemical peel, to remove the top layer of his skin. Skin that may or may not have...

Ugh.

The Turks got over their experience. Eventually. They remained friends. Kind of. But they made sure they never spoke of that night again. Nor did they even mention the words 'hotel,' 'spa' or 'bathrobe.' Though, for some reason, any time Elena saw Tseng for the next five years or so, she was overcome by the almost uncontrollable urge to say 'Banana hammock!' But, of course, she didn't.


End file.
